Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

I was so thankful to find this discussion group. I am in a completely different jurisdiction (Hong Kong) but there are global themes which we share. I will spare the long backstory but the reality is that people can be abusive and whilst it is perhaps more common for men to physically abuse, the recognition of spousal abuse, by women, through psychological manipulation and verbal denigration is, generally under reported. I was a highly successful academic in a local University and then in 2012 a disgruntled subordinate made a completely false and malicious allegation that I had physically assaulted him at work. No witnesse, no evidence, his word against mine. The word of a local Hong Kong Chinese person against that of a Gweilo (the pejorative term used for white people). The “Rule of Law” in Hong Kong is a bit of a myth. In one month in July 2013, I lost my father, my job, our house that went with the job, and I became a Pariah. On reflection I just do not know how I survived but there is no doubt I became severely depressed and did try to end things. My wife is Hong Kong Chinese and we have two lovely children, 15 and 10. The youngest child is adopted. We have, like my two daughters from a previous marriage a wonderful relationship. I also have a strong relationship with my son and I encourage both of them to be supportive of their mother. So, what is the relevance to this group. Six weeks ago I was served deposition for a divorce based on two years of separation. I could not believe it as we had not been living separately but my wife says that her solicitors and other legal advisors have told her that “living separately whilst in the same house” is a matter for the judge to define within certain criteria. I went to the court on Monday to state that I could not agree to the deposition and the Judge was quite threatening saying that she did not like contested divorces and would award punitive costs against me if I caused her to have to preside over a trial. I do know that despite all I do still love the inner child I saw when I first met my wife. But it has not been an easy marriage. My wife is very “Chinese” to the extent that nothing the children or husband does is good enough. I have been verbally abused all of our marriage. I have had sharp knives shaken in my face with theats of being cut if I cause her to “lose face”. I should point out that in Hong Kong it is the standard practice for most families to have a domestic helper and I had asked her to stop hoovering the guest room at midnight. My wife had ordered her to that for a visitor who was arriving next day. Counterminding an order made by my wife to a maid was behavior punishable by “death” (almost!).

I am getting better but my confidence and self-esteem have been shattered but not destroyed. From my previous experience of the “Law” in Hong Kong I did not have confidence in being treated fairly and did not know what to do. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow and one of the key issues is how you define separation when living under the same roof.

It is very difficult for men in this situation. We are encouraged to walk away “for the sake of the children”. Stereotypes are invoked and reviewing hundreds of emails exchanged over the past couple of years I see my wife portraying herself as the long suffering victim whilst I am the antichrist! This led to increasing social isolation as fair weather friends started to avoid me and I was generally regarded as “mad”. A label has helped me with the diagnosis of severe depression with suicidal intent. But again this is in a society which is very suspicious of mental illness.

I am not sure that I have anything to contribute to this discussion but it has helped to share my position. I was a highly qualified medical professional who has spent a lifetime helping others and neglected myself for too long. The stereotype alpha male does so much harm to men. We do have feelings and we can be very deeply hurt by vicious words. We can become mentally ill through stress and isolation. I do not know if I am clinging to thought of saving my marriage like a drowning man grasping a life boy in a fierce ocean storm. Do I let go and sink into the depths of the ocean and find peace at last or do I cling on and hope and pray that there will be an end of different nature: the storm quelling and a tropical paradise emerging out of the mist. I am getting better because even the thought my children did not prevent me from doing some very stupid things. Now, I want to survive and give them all my love and care but how do I do that and keep reinforcing the notion that their mother, my wife, is a fundamentally good person who was abused as a child and cannot help herself in the way she behaves now?

As adults we can understand that and that is why we have therapy. It comes down to “Face” again. Chinese adults do not have mental problems, or issues as we might call them. So the cultural dimension adds extra challenges to these marriage, separation and divorce issues.

My heart goes out to all those who are having difficulties in relationships particularly where children are involved. I do not how I found this website but it is indeed a comfort to know that I am not alone. Thank you