Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.
Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.
Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.
- Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
- Use separate bedrooms.
- Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
- Stop wearing wedding rings.
- Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
- Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
- Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
- Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
- Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
- Use a separate and secure computer.
- Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
- Establish separate checking accounts.
- Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
- Do not attend church together.
- Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
- Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
- Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
- Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
- Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
- Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.
I have been looking on-line at living together separation agreements, and lists of how to accomplish this, but what I haven’t seen is how to change the way you communicate to each other. I’m talking about negative remarks, condemnation, etc. I’d love to have a list of communication do’s and don’ts! Does anyone have a link to something like that?
Mich, if there is any way you can go back to your mum and friends, I would run not walk. You are NOT a slave or owned. You should be treated as an equal partner in a relationship. Please feel this tight hugs from across the pond. DONT STAY!!!!!!! Take care of the most important things in your life, you and your kids.
Hello from the UK.
Hubby and I live separate lives , his choice , no other person involved but stopped speaking to me after asking him why he hadn’t moved the waste bins from beside the front door since he had been at home all day and me at work.
It was the same circumstances last year, I loved him dearly but he had told friends that he never loved me which broke my heart.
He said he never liked the way I spoke to him even though neither of us ever yelled but he was very controlling, he never wanted me to wear trousers , never to wear the colour red , never to go and speak with friends when we went out etc etc. This time I had enough so now we sleep separately.
He agreed to pay me £10 per week to do his washing/ironing/housekeeping.
Agreed to buy food for weekends for both of us and I would cook it.
Our home is paid for and I pay half of the household bills.
It does feel uncomfortable living this way , I say certain things to him I.e. ‘ you’re dinner is ready , etc but he never answers me but it wouldn’t pay either of us to move out because he needs the garage for the little business he has going and if the proceeds of the house was split it wouldn’t be that great to buy something decent in a nice area .so, this is how we live !
Hi Everyone,this might be divine intervention that I have stumbled on this website.The marriage was doomed from the onset …with being threatened with “sign ANC without accrual & having to keep all receipts of goods you purchase to be able to leave with anything besides your clothes or else I cannot marry you ‘…by the way this was said on the wednesday evening& we married on the saturday.Anyway 7 years down the lane I’m a fulltime stay @ home Mum,due to kids having many allergies&unable to regularly attend day care.Emigrated to his home country last july as it’s best for kids.Constantly been made to feel guilty for any money spent on anything but household expenses.Invited my only living relative for Christmas,however must stress consulted husband & he gave authorization.However has treated my Mum’s visit as complete non event,not taking her to any tourists sights,complained at her ordering a sauce to accompany her meal in restuarant,complained that she was watching telly….by the way was the only day in her entire visit that she felt brave enough to watch news.He refused to give me money to take my Mum on day trips,so she has been stuck in flat with kids&I for weeks.The selfish behaviour toward me I overlooked too many times,however husbands selfishness&cruelty to my Mum unforgiveable.I have had to give up my name,financial independance,all my insurance savings,my country,emotional support in friends back home&now helplessly witness cruelty to my only blood relative&loved one.He says he is sorry however not believable.I have attended counselling repeatedly to try change or learn how to heal our marriage,he has refused to attend,however this time it is the last straw I have refused to give him another chance&have asked for separation.We forced to live in same house but I feel so trapped & disappointed.Please give me some advice.
I’m ready to separate or divorce my husband of 11 years but he works and I do not. I quite working 3 years ago when my youngest child was diagnosed with asd. I have no problem with him living here but I’m not sure because he would have to pay everything. If he moved out I would have no income at all and 3 kids to care for. Could I still get child support or financial assistance if we are under the same roof? Would I have to kick him out first to get aid? We rent my parents house so our problems are affecting all of the family. I feel like I’m stuck with him. Our marriage has been falling apart for the past 10 years!
If those are his kids, of course he owes them the duty of support. So if you file for divorce, you can request support so you can feed and clothe and house them.
My husband has been gone for a little over 2 years now.. He did leave because of another woman.. Our marriage had not been the best since our 2nd son was born.. He is now 10 years old. The other woman ended about a year ago and he has been living with his sister since then. He pays all the house hold bills, house payment, lights, Etc as well as our car insurance. He has some anger issues that he is working on now with some family counseling for my boys. They are 13 and 10, they love their Dad but hate the outburst. He wants to move back in, not to live as man and wife, that shipped has sailed but to be with the boys as he is missing out on so much. I am not sure what to do…he does pay all the bills and does not mind throwing that in my face when he is angry. I see that others do so and seem to be doing well. Not sure what to do…I want him to be happy, myself and my boys.. His anger issues do drive me insane and our home is now a “no yelling” zone.. What do you think??
I think that you need to go to counseling together to work out the issues that will break up your home again if he comes back
If he is still angry and yelling outside the home, you know in you head it will only get worse and more abusive if he moves back into your home. You are thinking with your heart. I know, I do the same thing . Us women are nurturing even to grown adults. Think with your head and what is good for the comfort of you and the kids. Don’t put yourself back into a toxic atmosphere . Take care of u because you can’t take care of anyone else if you are not well.
As someone who has lived with an abusive husband for 10 years and now is recovering from panic attacks, I would never allow him back. ITA with EB.
My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive… I have suggested counseling but he refuses. I’ve caught him texting other women and he was so furious with me when I confronted him I have decided I want a separation but I’m a stay at home mother with no money… I don’t know where to turn. I live in Oklahoma now but we will probably be moving back to ohio in the near future. Does anyone know where I should start?
Start by consulting with an attorney about how you can get support as soon as possible if you file for divorce. You shouldn’t stay in a bad marriage just for financial reasons.
Same with me 29 years of an utter living hell . I pay all the bills while he blows his money. We have lived in separate rooms for 5 years , he keeps telling me to get out , but yet he pays nothing , or does nothing. Except verbal and metal abuse, and some physical abuse. I have cancer and was hoping we would make it together but. The every single day is a battle ?