Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

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Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.

Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.

Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.

  • Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.
infographic of information in blog

273 thoughts on “Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof”

  1. George Lakis

    My wife file for divorce,never went to court i,payed her child support but i had the children because she two boys 8 and 10 years old at the time.3 years later i got permanently disabled,she was also ill for a year and half,she ask me to move in together and i agree,stayed till boys were of age and pay the bills.\,moved out,and the boys got married,now 9 years later she files for child support back pay,does that stands on and is it legal?I’m retired and survive on SSI ….

      1. Keith

        You are absolutely right. I am currently in that situation. My wife is not in love with me anymore. However, we have two children that we want to raise together. So, we agreed that we would stay living together. The children are 6 yrs and 3 yrs which means, according to our plan, we would be living like this for at least the next 15 years. The problem is I still love her and I want to be intimate with….Or maybe I want her to be intimate with me, as some sort of acceptance or validation. My wife means a lot more than just sex to me. I am really hurting at the moment. Please give me some advice. Thanks.

        1. Carol

          Prayer, prayer, and more prayer Keith. It’s the only thing that’s gotten me through my husband leaving me and then moving back in “for financial reasons.” He has his separate residence in the basement and wants nothing to do with me. I’m the “walking wounded” most of the time and prayer is the only thing that gets me through. I’ll pray for you. Blessings!

        2. One Woman's Trash Is Another Woman's Treasure

          My heart breaks for you, Keith. I just married a wonderful man named “Keith” whose wife kicked him out nine years ago. (Kids grown.) Took him that long to get over her emotionally and finally file for a divorce. (We met and started seeing each other only recently, with no serious dating until his divorce was final.) Now he wishes he’d started the divorce and recovery process years ago, since it took him so long, and she was very uncooperative, despite never wanting him back. My advice: file soon with a good attorney (no mediation–that just provides opportunity for monkey business, manipulation, and loooong delays with more total expense in the long run), get some good therapy, find new friends, and get on with your life. Stay in close contact with your kids, of course. They need their dad, but do they really need to see a marriage that isn’t working every day? What kind of role model is that? You sound like a great guy who will make a wonderful husband to someone who will appreciate you. Find her! If nothing else, the serious filing for divorce might make your wife reconsider. Being a doormat never will. Good luck and God bless.

          1. James

            Kieth,

            A few weeks ago, my wife cheated in me. I still love her but she wants to be with him. She doesn’t want to move out nor do I. We are talkng about living together but separate. The kids don’t know about any of this. They are 5, 7 and 10 years old. I don’t know what to do. A part of me is hoping that we reconcile. Like I said, I still love her.

          2. Vicki Johnson

            Damn. You are so right. Being a doormat has never gotten me anywhere except in a lot of heartache.

            Vicki

        3. Vic

          Im right there with you. I was stuck going through legal battles with my ex-wife, and I let that interfere with my current marriage. Now, when I finally got all legal burdens out of the way, my wife says she stopped loving me a few years back… I’m desolate, depressed, and in a world of pain. I did neglect her, I did not communicate with her, and took out my anger on her (no physical abuse), but I was always faithful and dedicated to her and my our kids (3 young adults and a teenager). She’s the love of my life, and I am lost without her…
          She moved to a different room about 2 months ago. We are intimate at least twice a month (sometimes less, sometimes more). I don’t know what to do!

    2. Shawn Landrus

      most states but a few you can go to your child support enforcement office and request a hearing in which you tell them your only income is SSI and they will stop taking money out of your ssi, but if you have ssdi the kids can get a supplement and whatever the difference is between the supplement and your court ordered amount you will have to pay-

    3. Kelsey

      Depending on where you live, you can get relief from paying child support while you lived in the same household as your children. The reason being that child support is to help the custodial parent care for the children, but if you live with the children it is assumed you are supporting the children financially and emotionally. You need to show proof you were living with your children. I recommend finding a family law attorney in your area.

  2. Joe

    My wife of 24 years and I, added an addition so that I have a separate entrance, a den, bedroom, bath and small kitchenette attached to the side of the house. Our home is paid for. This arrangement gives both of us freedom from a mortgage. I give her one check, which pays all the bills and food. She cooks the meals, does all the laundry and pays the bills on time. We are both in our 70s and retired. This seems to be a better alternative than living totally alone. Once in awhile we go out to eat together, watch a movie and talk on the phone. It’s not ideal, but I think when you get older, it works better than fighting and bickering with someone you should never have married in the first place.

    1. tula

      Whatever Joe said, and I am only 42! Yep, I should never have married the creature in the first place, but now that I did and tried to make it work for so long, I better as well make myself comfortable. Now, truth is different arrangements work for different people. Whatever works for you at the moment. You can always change later.

    2. Allan Perry

      Well me ànd my girlfriend has been together 16 yrs this month.ask to get married she said yes on multiple occasions but no cigar how long should I wait I said I’m not gonna wait another year we stay in the same room sometimes she always goes out with her girl but I’m at the point it don’t bother me anymore like I really don’t care when I used to went everywhere together no it’s only when she needs me to take her somewhere and I’m tired I want a wife

  4. Roj

    I am now into 6 months of doing this. We are waiting for the sale of assets etc before we can move on. I would say we follow about half of these guidelines. As the ‘left’ partner I find it hard going and spend one night away a week. I think it is easing my wife’s guilt and our kids will transition slowly into the new reality. Me? It’s bearable for the most part but I don’t see my recovery starting until she’s gone. And ultimately I would like to meet someone else and build a new life.

  5. David

    Hear, hear. Me and my wife live separate lives under the same roof. We do not stick rigidly to separate living. I wash and iron her clothes when doing mine and visa versa, we occasionally make each other a drink and share some of our food. We acknowledge each other as is common courtesy and help each other on occasion with matters associated with our respective employment. Though not ideal, this all makes for a reasonable atmosphere in which we can be quite comfortable. We have been married too long to bother with the hassle of divorce. Neither of us plan to re-marry. I guess the hardest part will be when accommodation becomes available leaving only one of us behind. This said, separation does leave the door open for possible reconciliation.

    1. Gloria

      David,
      How do you and your wife split expenses such as grocery shopping? Do you have children?
      My husband and I are living separately under the same roof, however, he still expects me to do the shopping for the household which, I think is ridiculous given the fact that I only make $14/hr and he makes $170,000/yr.
      Also, is this a permanent situation?

      1. Eileen

        Gloria,
        I feel for you. I am considering the same option. It feels though as the men always win out. My husband makes in excess of $180000, and I stayed home with the kids and don’t have anything near that salary. He uses money to wield power. It leaves me bitter.

        1. Jessica

          I’m living this way now. It’s a mother daughter house. Our children are 11 and 6. I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years. The problem is when he goes out or I go out its starts getting cold in the house. We both get jealous. We still care…. It’s tough. He wants me out now but I never saved up money or thought this would happen and he won’t give me a divorce.

        3. Jeff

          If you both still care, get jealous and are better off helping each other. Maybe you guys can work it out but still live indivisual lives. Tell him to leave you some money for his expenses.

        5. Stressed Out

          Eileen; I hear you! My husband Terry loves more than anything to use the “Money Card” to control me as best as he can. He just deducts what ever he thinks I owe. For example: We pay my parent’s phone bill. When he lets it get behind so he can pay all of the bills in his name or our Napa parts business (so he can keep his Outstanding Credit score) while mine is total crap!! Which he did on purpose! He just takes it out of my money. For almost a year he decided that the money he gives me was half his and he just cut it in half and expected me to pay any credit cards or bills that were in my name. I receive a total of $635.00 every two weeks and that is to cover 3 credit cards in his name bc my credit is so bad now and ALL grocery items which include but not limited to his $25.00 a piece shampoo and special conditioner for his thinning hair. He’s rude and uncaring and just plain despicable! He’s nothing to look at and isn’t very nice. He is a Great business man and can be sweet and endearing to everyone but me. I only stay and live separately bc I have 3 grand daughters one that lives in a house we built so she could live close to us. She is only 5 years old and I have watched her since she was born so mom could finish college and now works part time. Terry has me trapped! If I work I have to give up watching her and if I don’t work Terry owns me for all intensive purposes! So if anyone out there can think of solution for me Please let me know!!!

        6. Hosannah?

          You&stressed out and Gloria get together &support each orther.I believe stressed out needs some sisterly help and I feel helpless & believe some people need more help than orthers and stressed out needs encouraged that she can walk away from the person her ex husband is. It’s horrible to feel trapped in one’s own prison.I am off this site because it’s too heavy but if stressed out needs to talk put a reply on your complaint so 1 can get 2 you. You can not just leave a message like yours wanting help and dnt give people a way to help you.your post makes me agitated b’cus I feel your particular situation and I can’t help you but you should know even if you have to go to a shelter at least that s.o.b has no control over you. It always gets worse be it gets better but that’s our perception. Don’t be held hostage by this DICK anymore. Check out barking up the wrong tree on line or in new york times but eric the blogger is a ucla student but the articles are worth waiting.?shalome aleem

        7. Jackie

          Oh I hear that! I’m a homemaker and with him in charge of money I am left to go to court . No other options . And believe me kids are not blind they know what’s going on even tho we don’t talk

        9. Bessie

          Ann, my husband and I have separate bedrooms. He shop for him and O fomy shopping. We go to a different church, he do not attend any of my family function. I ask why don’t you divorce me and move on. He gives crazy answers. But I stay prayerful, but I am getting tired of the yoyo relationship. I want this chapter closed in my life. He is 66 and I 63, we been detached for many years! It is about peace of mind!

        10. Kathy

          Is he makes that kind of money and you have the kids and he is controlling you should seek a legal seperation, hire a lawyer and seek for yourself and children to remain in the home even if only temporary, seek child support and alimony, a lawyer can work on a loan advised basis till you have custody or joint – legal aid legal representation advice here.

        11. Rose

          If you get divorce and live in your own with kids, you will be entitled for child support and spousal support. And since he’s making that much and you don’t, you’re going to receive enough financial support from him to live comfortably.

        12. Paul

          The thing is most women can find someone to take care of them, and you get divorce settlements as well. I think if a man wants to live separate live then he should do just that and have no expectations at all

        13. Al

          Why is the man always the bad person. I’ve been married for two years and these same years I pay for EVERYTHING not that I care I have a fix income but all I ask of my wife is to help by cleaning up after herself and to at least try to have dinner at a decent time. Instead she starts to cook around 7 or 8 pm. After a long day at work I have to come home and clean up after her. All she do is chain smoke n watch TV all day. I buy her anything she ask for even if she just throw it in the spare room to collect dust. She ask and ask n I give n I give. Now how am I a bad person when I say I can’t do this anymore. I rather be single n happy than married ? I’m very loyal no drugs or alcohol I’m a church going man I don’t ask much. But my apologies needed to get this off my chest.

        14. Rhody

          me and my ex have a 7 year old daughter. We have lived apart for about a year. We have both entered new relationships and I am ending mine due to jealousy over my ex who is my friend. It affects the harmony I my daughter’s life and myself and ex agreed to co-parent and give the best possible life for our kid in this situation. we have no desire to reconcile even though we never fought etc. There was just no spark anymore and we felt it wasn’t the best example of love to give my daughter. I can tell you that being separated has affected our child and she is very insecure and always worries about the other parent when at one house or the other. She is in a relationship with a great guy who I get along with and does my daughter. I have a 5 bedroom house and we have decided that they will move in to my house and take the upstairs ( 2 bedrooms). This will give our daughter access to both parents daily, makes things easier as far as back and forth baby sitters etc. and also helps us both financially. I had to really weigh the options to see if it portrays the wrong picture to my daughter or not, but reading many sites the positives far outweigh the negatives. she understands that her mom and dad are just friends and love her regardless and that will never change. I will have to update on the new situation in a couple months.

        15. Hurt and lost

          I think this type of arrangement might work for my current situation, I am however a stay at home mother too… that my husband loves to use against me when the dig fits his mood! its so unfair and very hurtful when he does. So I obviously have no income myself at the moment but we have never shared accounts or anything like that. I still love my husband but I just cant handle all the mean and negative things he says to me anymore. I guess my question is how do approach this conversation or arrangement to him? I’m just so hurt and lost in my marriage…

      2. Ju

        In my opinion husband can expect you to do all the grocery shopping but I don’t. Currently my estranged husband and I live in the same house. I grocery shop for myself and cook for myself. He knows that when we permanently split that he would be required to pay alimony. We stay in separate bedrooms, maintaining our separate social life, cordial to one another and don’t speak of reconciliation. Financially we have a lot of assets so it will take time to sell and divide. It’s not easy but we make it work. In regards to bills he pays for all of it as he has always done in our marriage.

        1. Mark

          We married in 85. She had 4 kids in a prior marraige. We had one together. Around 2001 humpty dumpy started crumbling. I moved into the basement in 2003. Divorced 2005. I continued to give her all my money like being married. She was physically abusive. Called the cops in 2010. Moved out for good. Still paying spousal support. Done in 2017. Current wife is an absolute blessing. My situation was equivolent to being in a prison. My advice; see a therapist for your sanity . Get a real good divorce attorney. Take care of yourself.

        4. Theodora

          I am also living under the same conditions but I feel I am tired to live in a false marriage I just need to end this chapter by divorcing my husband but I’m afraid I am going to loose everything I worked for pls advise me .

      3. Hosannah?

        Gloria,sounds like you got the raw deal. Still doing his laundry &cleaning. Get your spousal support &go back to school and go for what you love not whats in.I’m not married nor have I ever been,so I come in peace and I am not judging you by any means.But he sounds selfish and I bet its he who can’t let go of you.whatever your situation don’t allow negative energy to alter your path.I went for my bachelor’s degree in paralegal and investigation skills plus am learning Hebrew and Yiddish late in life. You can+look at the 40+ year old Hasidic woman making judge who didn’t pass the bar till 40. Imagine her fear. For what it’s worth I wish you well

      4. Mary

        are you splitting all the bills in half? Since he makes so much more did you prorate everything? If not you need a mediator to make a legal separation about finances so you can afford to live on your own. With a financial agreement you should be able to live separate

      5. teresa

        i agree . i am commanded to pay rent & grocery’s for myself and 2 boys , PROVIDE FOR all of my car ,prescriptions for myself and 2 boys , do all washing , do all the lawns dishes , vacuum clean everywhere inside and outside wash my car, not allowed to use the oven ,as he says it uses too much power . but he and children can use the fans 24 seven. i wash everyone’s clothes and hang ,bring them in. i work par-time go to all medical and children’s school appointments . lunches , everything for children ..he earns 180 thousand ,he has his own bank account i scrape weekly to survive on 12 hours of 20.00 an hour .. i pay rent out of this . don’t you think this is separate under the same roof .do you think this is fair.he saves i don’t lucky to get for myself a haircut ,mean while he wears elite suits ,at least 13 full suits top brands leaves me with recycled clothes. i think this is share abuse with emotional trumour.love to hear your thoughts.i have been in 2 refudges , while he saves for 14 yearsworth in his name

      6. ck

        I responded to the same message that you responded to today vyd because that’s my situation my husband is the perfect father the perfect provider but I don’t have any income because I’ve been taking care of the kids and since we had a child to pass away since then he’s been on Craigslist on Facebook and I can’t deal with it anymore so what input do you have for me

    2. Stephen Murphy

      Hi there,
      What an absolute breath of fresh air.
      It’s just that if one spouse has never learned to forgive, an often “imagined crime”, the walls will be built under the one roof being shared.

    3. Gavin

      I’m really happy to have found this forum, many thanks for your insight/experience, I don’t feel so awkward now. Work colleagues, friends etc do not understand the hardship in today’s economy nor do they realise just how difficult it is to simply move out.

      We still have the home to sell, plan so far was one of us would keep the ho.e whilst the other takes a cash sum to enable purchasing of a new home.

      Problem is that with no real savings and a small amount of debt, it would leave us in a bad position for starting over.

      At least taking the time to pay off debt and build on savings will allow for a cleaner start…

      Only other option is to obtain a consolidation loan, split the payment and move out but I don’t fancy having the bad financial reminder hanging over me for 10yrs and that’s no exaggeration as, for me to be able to afford a new place, keep a car on the road etc, on a single wage, it’s hard going, certainly no cake walk anymore…

      Thanks again for sharing

      Gav, Glasgow, Scotland

      1. Gavin

        Sorry should have added that in order to have any standard of living I would need to stagger the loan over a 10yr period!! That’s where I was going with my previous statement

        1. Erika

          Gavin – I read your comment about leaving together under the same house but legally separated because of the debt and assets. I feel like I am in the same situation – I was wondering how are you doing so far living under one roof and not being husband and wife? how are you doing with kids if you have any?

    5. Martha Serrano

      That’s the best story and loving it to the fullest and really I give you “BOTH” a big “CONGRATS”…

      And many blessings to you “BOTH”. To make my story short. I went through a horrible divorced and after so many years of divorced. Started seeing the man I’m with now for almost 5/years but,
      I being verbally and mentally abuse but, because I lost my home and everything, I mean everything and been really depress for years and can’t seem to get up on my feet. Well, want to ask a attorney if I could receive a pention from him since his been the one supporting us. Not to take no more abuse and till I get back on my feet…
      Sorry! I left you this message just don’t have family or don’t trust anyone at all. I’m a great mother, lady. I’m 54-years old and dying to work and be independent again like I always been but, fear of being homeless.

      You both are doing the perfect thing and I aproud you…

      Have a great, smiley, healthy, blessing day…

      Martha Serrano

      1. Linda

        As far as I know. If you are married 10 or more, you are entitled to his/her SSA, As long if it is more than you would be getting. Not sure when or if you have to wait a certain time. If you have children they will be entitled immediately. Hope this helps. .

        1. Janet Kennedy

          I live in Florida. I have been married to my husband 18 years we don’t see or talk to each other and we live separate lives I have a new man in my life we never have gotten a divorce can I collect his SSI

          1. Ginita Wall

            Since you are still married to your husband, you are eligible to collect Social Security spousal retirement benefits based on his earnings record once you are both of retirement age and he begins collecting, as long as those benefits exceed the benefits for which you are eligible based on your own earnings history.

    6. Carla

      I’ve been reading all the comments, but I haven’t found a situation similar to mine. We just “celebrated” our 20th. He wanted to retire early, so I worked it where he could. He’s been retired for 9 years, helping at home as a stay-at-home dad (unfortunately I’m a fixer). There’s no intimate life at all, hasn’t been for quite some time. I work a job that can be 40-80 hours a week. We talk divorce often, but our daughter is now 16, and she’s involved in a special theater program in our community and does on-line schooling at home to accommodate her schedule. If we were to divorce, I’d want to leave the state, which I can’t do with her right now without destroying her world, and I can’t leave her with him, to state why would take a book. Nothing nefarious, he just gets lost in himself.

      I just don’t know what to do. Have read some really good things about divorcing and cohabitation, but some really bad things too. Guess I’m just reaching out for some ideas. I really miss who I used to be.

      2. Buck

        If you can, stick it out for another 3-4 years, as long as there’s no abuse etc it’s possible, your kid will be 18-20 and much more independent. You never know, maybe both of you will reconnect in the mean-time. God bless.

      3. Nancy mossa

        I got choked up when you said you miss who you used to be. I can totally relate to that. I dont even know who i am anymore. We have been married 16 years. No kids. He has had an ongoing drug/gambling problem and intimacy left our marriage long ago.
        He is sober 2 weeks and with that wants to rebuild our marriage forgetting all of the hurt and solitude he has been giving to me over the years.
        Threatens me with i have nothing to live for if u are not here. Im at the point that i say do what you have to do. If u want to throw your life away by all means do it. I lost compassion for him long ago.
        We live under the same roof and his tears mean nothing. Ugh. My life is out of control

        1. Tired of disrespect

          I too am considering this option and understand your pain aside have been disabled, however unable to collect disability. He is now picking up the slack but our lives are completely separate with the exception of me cooking considering we have children.

          They never take responsibility for their role, mine is an alcoholic and always throws the money card around since he has the income coming in bc I can’t work. What to do? Ugh

        2. Marcia

          Omg your situation is almost identical to mine only a little more complicated. I want to help him, he depends on me. He doesn’t want to move because of financial and kid stuff. I do feel bad and want to help him but there is someone I want to start a new life with and be happy. I don’t know what to do!

      4. Diana Burkley (Anderson)

        I agree and your comments touch my heart. I am an infant by your accomplishments. This is my first and only marriage…I am 59 and married 7 years Feb 2018. I have these nagging feelings of no longer knowing who I am and being so afraid that I am no longer who I was. I wish we could group up and have ongoing dialog to support one another. We aren’t alone, obviously. I care.

    7. Avg Joe

      The article is intentioned toward ‘proving’ your legally separated rather than a checklist for those who are trying to keep up good terms. If for example, you are disabled and separated, but still living together for the kids, you need to prove you’re separated to the social security office, and this checklist helps you to do so.

    8. ck

      Hi David I was just wondering how things are still going I am a mother of four children to that are adults to that are minors and things are pretty bad in between me and my husband but I don’t want my children to be products of divorce so I just need some suggestions if you could please write me back I’d really appreciate it

      1. Rose

        Being a product of divorce is sometimes better than witnessing a bad marriage. I regret not having to get divorced sooner, my son now says he will never be married because we were a terrible example. Children can read your energy even though you try hardest to appear to have a normal marriage.

    9. Rebecca

      Same here. My ex husband and I still parent together, do laundry as necessary, eat the same prepared meals AND my boyfriend lives here. We all get along and are like one big happy family. We shop for each other as necessary (example: boyfriend and I go to the store. Ex husband needs item. We grab item.) and have separate lives.
      This list is idiotic. It is nobodys business how we do things in my house. We are divorced but if we choose to live the way we are, thats OUR business. NOBODY has a right to tell us we have to do it otherwise.

      2. Benny

        Wow, this sounds amazing. I’m in the very beginning of the separation under the same roof. We have 3 kids and don’t wanna disrupt their lives. We also don’t make enough to really separate. This separation is being done on my part, I just can’t be with him after all he’s done. But we don’t have an extra room in the house . How do you get past the initial tendencies together?? He’s struggling.

      3. Alexis

        Good head on Rebecca! I’ve read all of these responses and you are the 1st one tht suggests it ain’t nobody’s business wht u do. Or how yall live. I love it. I’ve been married for 29 years to a man than has many good qualities but my marriage contract with him does Not measure up. We have 1 son who just turned 25. I think I can speak for me and my spouse. We are miserable Asa married couple. I recently found this legal stance or grounds for divorce for separate and apart I can’t wait to pursue the legal support I need to get my divorce granted. I’m do thrilled I can hardly sleep.

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